WHY I STEAL AND MUTILATE

All in all, great relief lies in letting the ugliness hang out - in playing Radiohead and porn at the same time, in showering only once a week, in having ketchup stains on the table I work on, and in buying a bottle of wine just to finish this project.

The process of pulling out an old rusty nail - that’s what I’m writing about here. A nail that would tell me to keep it to a limited corner or the mind. To not think of dating apps, of singing heartily on my bike, of thinking about surgery, of doing something regardless if it’s right.

As I’ve shown to some - I developped a nack for stealing. Or rather , I would call it experimenting with the act of stealing :). Is this bullshitting? Just trying to make it sound better? Either way, it’s not as scary as it sounds.
By stealing I let myself be seen by myself. What could be more effective than insisting on noticing my wishes, even if it clashes with reality? Just to be clear, I will not steal your mother's earrings if you invite me to your house - stealing is reserved only for those entities that already steal from me, like Albert Heijn, Amazon or the Dutch railroad company. The point is to make more space for myself, not to cause harm. To me, it's a big "fuck you" to the internalised systems that haunt me and the centuries of tension with authorities running through my veins.

In the same vein, the question of boobs or no boobs is no doubt the #1 nail in my nail collection for the sheer amount of time I have spent with it.
WHY do I see myself as a boobless creature (or even do I)? WHY do I feel so uncomfortable with it all? The search has led me nowhere but to another question of "who gives a shit about WHY?" -- I sure don't anymore. But the discomfort persists, which means it is time for a radical solution, a removal of a nail: whether it is surgery, stealing, or something entirely different. By chopping them off, will I be a veteran of uncomfortable discussions of body, surgery, gender and insecurity? Will I no longer be what a normal person ought to be? Gender is a tricky thing to mess with even for me. I know nothing will really change all that much, but

isn't it powerful how much psychological and philosophical changes come with a few cuts into the skin?

Feeling of disintegration

of body yearning to devour

all I've ever looked for -

Atom by atom dissolve

into the sticky space between

I turn into vapour and hope the same from you